07 May 2015

The Bachelor NZ Ep 16: The Finale

Here we are, the moment we have all been waiting for. T minus 21 girls, eight weeks and a bazillion sparkly outfits and extreme dating locations and we are down to the final two. I. Can't. Stand. It.
Tourism New Zealand should do quite nicely out of this series, I should think. Not so sure about Suzuki, they are still nana cars. And Lindauer, woweee. I shudder to think how many throats that beverage was lubricating at Bachelor parties around the country last night.

Art's abs get in one last round of exercise before he takes his girlfriends to meet his parents as they and his eldest sister have joined him on the Gold Coast. Matilda walks in and sees his family seated together like the interview panel from the Dragon's Den. Art's father leaks out a "Wow" at the sight of her. Good start. They start firing questions at her. Art's mother has quite a formidable presence and she takes Matilda aside for an arm wrestle and also to chat. She wonders if Matilda is too much of a 'yes' girl. Some of the questions are quite direct. Art's sister thinks Matilda would fit well with the family. Given that Art has already told Matilda previously that he would be checking to see if his sister approves of her, this is a good sign.
Afterwards, Art and Matilda head to a wildlife hospital and a koala does a Poppy on her the entire time they are trying to have an intimate discussion. Then, it poos on her bare midriff. The feralness of it all. If this was the American version this scene would never have made it to air, but this is New Zealand and we find that kind of thing hilarious. A broken arm and defecated on by a marsupial. This girl deserves to win.

They enjoy a dinner and Matilda goes into hustle mode, stating that they would be more compatible because Dani has never been in a serious relationship before and probably doesn't know the difference between lust and love. Ouch. Then it's off to the beach for a roll in the sand.

Ding, ding. Round two. Dani arrives at Art's place to meet the in-laws. The family is still seated intimidatingly around the outdoor dining table and muttering amongst themselves. Similar questions are thrown at Dani and when Art's mother takes her aside to talk to her, she asks if Dani thinks she will be the last one standing. Dani is really convinced that she will be and if Art wants to get engaged, she would be fine with that. Her intensity is matched by Art's mother's gaze. Dani discloses that she is in love with Art. Art's mum kisses Dani on the lips as they leave. They are obviously a very close family, but I notice that Matilda only got a hug. Is this a telling sign? Dani says to the camera that she hopes after she tells Art how she's feeling that Art will say that he loves her as well and wants to be with her. No, no, no Dani, this is not how the show works. You must wait until the final rose declaration to learn whether he is feeling the way you do.

They head to Seaworld and go swimming among the dolphin wee. Anything Matilda can do, Dani can do better.
Art and Dani enjoy a romantic poolside dinner date at The Hilton with lots of fairy lights and reflective surfaces. Dani reveals that she is in love with him and Art squeaks out a "OMG. Thank you". That went well, then.

Art needs to choose a ring. Thank goodness this show has been full of product placement so he knows who to call. Michael Hill - Jeweller does house visits now. Not only does he give Art a ring, he offers some sage marital advice. I think he should stick to marriage guidance.
The music becomes more dramatic as we see each of the girls and Art getting ready for the finale. Art describes Matilda as beautiful, funny and warm. He says Dani is vivacious, positive and stunning. Who will he choose, there are no negative adjectives there to tell me which way this thing is going to go. There are violins playing and Art, dashing but sweaty in his suit on this hot Gold Coast day, walks onto McLaren's Landing. He stands alone on the sand under a pergola held together with the broken dreams and despair of all the girls he has bid adieu to on his journey of love. The camera is trained on a patch of sand where the girl who will have her heart broken will appear.

It's Dani. The girl who gave him her heart, her soul and the nation so many great facials. He starts by telling her all of the things he loves about her and that a life with her would be an ongoing adventure. Then he says BUT, which is all Dani needs to hear to know she is not going to get familiar with his face ever again. Dani is not expecting this speech at all. She composes herself enough to wish him and Matilda well, saying that they will have a wonderful future together if it beats what they had. He apologises for hurting her, and she is clearly devastated. They walk to where he says his final goodbye and then she walks out of his life and probably straight to the carpark to key his car.
Art shuffles off to kick some sand and wait for Matilda so he can stop feeling bad about taking the bubble out of Dani's bubbliness. If Art's paleo business flounders, he should consider a career in speech-writing. His words to Matilda are pitch-perfect. Matilda had been worrying all day that it wouldn't be her, and he responds with "It's always been you". He presents her with the Super Bowl championship ring and they walk off into the sunset busting out dance moves and with Art singing this song:

To all the girls I've loved before
Who stepped out from behind the car door
I'm glad they came along
Cocktails would have been better with a bong
Shivani would have been easier to score

Fiona, Michelle and Nikki
Natasha, Rosie and Cristy
And Lisa didn't stay that long
Their Bachelor game wasn't strong
And Danielle L's too old for me

Hayley wanted to be my wife
She couldn't rap to save her life
Amanda and her smily face
And her golf game's a disgrace
I've got no other words to rhyme with wife

To all the girls I've once caressed
Kristie thought she was the best
She's the girl who just wanted love
But I gave her the shove
She's gone home to study up on Black Doris plums, I guess

To all the girls who cared for me
Alysha, Poppy and Natalie
Chrystal had no heart
And laughed at my bowl cut
But she still got some jewelry

To all the girls who spent time with me
Carissa, Brigitte and Danielle B
There was controversy along the way
And despite the rumours, I'm not gay
With six sisters peeing sitting down comes naturally

Dani had so much more to give
I thought she was really attractive
And though it was wrong I know
I strung her along for the entire show
I hope her step-mum doesn't find out where I live

Matilda proved her love for me
By breaking part of her anatomy
And when the koala did a poo
And used her puku for a loo
I knew that it was meant to be


  1. Oh my goodness you need to be writing for someone like Stuff in their entertainment column - this has been so entertaining I didn't watch a single episode but I read every single one of your posts instead - and it was better than watching the show - GREAT write up!!!!

  2. Well.... What an ending hey!!!!! I hope those are real diamonds on that ring, although I think that Dani should have got one as compensation!!!! Meghan is right, you should be writing this stuff for someone!!! Send them your posts and tell them to employ you!!!! Of course that depends on whether you can bear to keep watching this stuff!!! I am sure that what you wrote is far better than the actual programme, perhaps you should do the scripts instead!!! Hee hee!!! I loved this, it has been so much fun! Thank you!!! xx

  3. Thanks for your fabulous sundown of each show, you have saved me goodness knows how many hours of sewing time, by my not having to watch it. Hope you don't suffer too many withdrawals from it.

  4. Well done for reaching the end! Every time I see that giff I smile - hilarious :)