08 November 2013

Raising responsible children

Time to tackle the elephant in the room. If you would rather not read about a topic relating to sexual assault and rape, please do not read any further. You have been warned.

It has been four days since the media broke the story of a group of teenage boys in Auckland belonging to a "gang" who plied girls as young as 13 with alcohol in order to record having sex with them and who then bragged about it online over a period of two years.  I have been expecting this topic to be mentioned somewhere on the blogs I follow, but so far, there has been silence. I wonder why that is? That isn't to say the subject hasn't been discussed and dissected already in the media, but I want to hear thoughts from a parental point of view. As a mother of three girls, I feel so sickened and incensed and would like to have an open and frank discussion even if the subject matter is controversial or whether your viewpoint differs to my own. Because, if we look the other way, this could well be our own children in years to come.

Firstly, most of the anger from the public is, rightly, being directed at the perpetrators of these acts. How could these boys be able to continue their predatory ways for two years before any appropriate action by the authorities was taken? If, as reported, these activities were widely known by the boys' and girls' peers, how could the information not have filtered back to the families or schools? Where were the parents and wider family networks in all of this? Why didn't they notice and call into question the shocking claims being written on the boys' social media page? The police, by their own admission, were monitoring the page, but issued a statement that they were unable to bring charges due to insufficient evidence. It has since been revealed that four girls laid complaints, one formally, with the police in the last two years. It paints a very bad picture for the police when media reports have stated that one of the boys in this "gang" is a police officer's son. Now a formal investigation into how the police handled those initial complaints has been ordered by the Police Minister and there will likely be more fallout in the weeks to come.

Secondly, I found the attitude of the female teenagers who have spoken out in defence of the boys to be very disturbing. That casual group sex is considered a normal activity is astounding. What is going on with our youth for them to believe this kind of conduct is normal? Let's not forget the fact that some of the girls involved were minors. According to a witness statement, the girls were supposedly given alcohol with the aim to intoxicate and incapacitate them while the boys remained sober. This is quite revealing in how calculated the boys' actions and intentions were.

To add to the humiliation of the girls concerned, the boys boasted of their supposed "conquests" online. As if living with memories of traumatic experiences is not bad enough, now, cellphone photos and recordings are uploaded to the internet for the whole world to see. Over and over again. Forever. That these actions will have future wide-reaching ramifications in the lives of everyone concerned does not even seem to register with these teens.

As parents, without doubt, we have a role to play in this. Are we teaching our children what is respectful behaviour and modelling the kind of conduct we expect them to have from a very early age? Is the issue wider than that? Are we giving our children too many social freedoms before they have proven themselves to be responsible enough or is there just not enough monitoring of our children's online habits and interactions with their peers? Are we simply not communicating enough with them? It's a minefield raising children in this internet age and I don't claim to have all of the answers. I genuinely want to know how we can navigate it safely together.

UPDATE:
For really really well-researched insight into this subject, feel free to check out Sacraparental's blog.

13 comments:

  1. I don't know anything about this situation, and not being a parent I can't really comment in that regard. I am always amazed and horrified when I hear about these sorts of situations though. I hope that a conclusion is reached soon.

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    1. Hi Amy, as you know, I reply to comments via email, but this time I will respond here. I think we have only just scratched the surface of this issue and whether justice will be served remains to be seen.

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  2. HI Leanne, I have been following this online via the news sites. It is so incredibly disturbing. When they said that the Police had been aware of this for 2 years, I said to Mr H I bet you someones, son or nephew is involved.............and I see above this appears to be correct. A lot of girls won't come forward because they are under age and don't want mum and dad finding out. These poor girls are being treated like the poor rape victims/sexual assault victims in countries like India and Pakistan. No respect. I can't believe that is seems to be the norm these days to have sex when you are 13. As a mum of two boys it is my job to ensure that they grow up to know that girls and women are to be treated with absolute respect. And for my daughter, to know she can talk to me about anything without feeling scared about the outcome. Safe sex, abstaining until physically and most importantly emotionally ready. My 13 year old is not on Facebook - and when I read about things like this, I am so pleased with my decision.to close her account xo

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    1. You sound like a good and wise mum. I agree that sometimes parents have to take measured steps to protect our children, like your decision to remove Facebook access, even if those decisions might make us unpopular.

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  3. This is such a hard topic. I read about it for the first time on Friday - and it just fills me with dread. Like you I have 3 daughters and I am trying really hard not to worry too much about the years ahead with their potential challenges as the thought terrifies me. It's a crazy crazy world out there but for now we are trying to make sure we build up the right values, and sound decision making abilities for the future in their wee beings. You don't have to do what anyone/everyone else does, you are beautiful no matter what you look like or what you're wearing, what do you think about this or that, what would you do, tell me your ideas... and Mummy and Daddy love you more than life no matter what. The world is going mad it would seem sometimes - and I don't know how we combat the crazy disturbing ideas out there other than creating safe environments and communities for our families with like-minded people as best we can.

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    1. Fantastic suggestions here, thanks for your thoughts on this.

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  4. Very brave tackling this subject, Leanne. I am petrified to think that my children are growing up in a world where things like this can happen and it seems to be becoming more and more common. Totally agree, where are the parents while all this is going on?? Definitely a cover up initially by the sounds... It is such a struggle as a parent to decide what it suitable and what is not and to try to attempt to control what our children are exposed to. I read a recent article about music videos and what message they are sending, so now I am so paranoid I don't leave the music channel on any more, anything I can do to keep their innocence as long as possible! Eek, parenting is hard work :S

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    1. Sadly, sexualisation of youth in visual media is so commonplace it would be impossible to try and censor it completely. Music videos have come a very long way from the days of Tiffany and Debbie Gibson, and the lyrics in some songs are pretty explicit too and blatantly overt like that of Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines", but if we think back to when we were teenagers (I might have to think back further than you!), there were always songs on the radio that contained quite questionable messages; I didn't think too deeply about that as a teen, I just loved the catchy tunes!

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    2. I totally agree, I sing along to a lot of songs not realising what the lyrics are saying or implying... usually I'm singing the wrong words, anyway!

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  5. Just reading this now.
    It's hard to tell whether the police have handled this all wrong or if its just something that is just too hard to handle.
    I'm going to do all I can to keep communication open with my children. I'm also going to shelter them more than they'll like to be.

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    1. Hi Sus, I think it's a combination of both. I agree with you, communication is central, I hope my girls will always feel that can talk to me about anything.

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  6. Hi Leanne
    I am a bit late with this comment but it is still heartfelt.
    Sexual assault is always awful no matter the circumstances but what you describe here is really horrendous. I appreciate you bringing this topic up, it is not discussed often enough, in particular in parenting circles. It is so important to ensure that our children grow up with a strong respect for others, whether in the context of sexuality or other areas of life. In our house, we have always discussed sexuality in a natural and open way as and when the topic came up (although I admit to sometimes postpone discussing delicate matters, for example when in the supermarket checkout queue). My oldest boy is almost a teenager now and I have noticed that he is more secretive than in the past, particularly about his feelings about sexuality. It is not easy to bring the topic up with a reluctant adolescent but sexual exploitation is something I would like to have a chat about in the not too distant future. It is also something that should be discussed in sex education at school.There is such a stigma attached to sexual exploitation, sometimes victims don't understand that what they have subjected to is not normal and certainly not right. Sometimes the shame and fear is stronger than the wish to come forward with a complaint, particularly if parents are not of the open understanding variety, or if police forces lack the necessary education to tactfully and respectfully treat claimants. Education and openness should go a long way towards changing this. I am doing my best to do my share of the education.

    Christina x

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    1. Hi Christina, and welcome! I absolutely agree, respect for self and others is paramount and learning to read someone's physical and emotional boundaries plays a part too, not an easy task when judgement is clouded by alcohol and/or drugs. It highlights the importance of our children to keep company with trustworthy and responsible friends and for them to know where to turn for non-judgemental guidance and help if they need it. You sound as though you are being that person for your son.

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