The Bachelor NZ Ep 15: Getting cosy on the Gold Coast

Please ensure your seatbacks and tray tables are secured in their upright positions, we are about to land at the fantasy dates destination. The show's music is ramped up a couple of notches to let us know how exciting it is to be in Australia. Where the sun is shiney and the skies are always blue except for the ominous storm clouds just before the rose ceremony that portent the end of the blonde triple layer love sandwich that Art has been snacking on.

Dani gushes to the camera that Art treats her in a way in which she's never been treated before. She's 22, there's still time. They attempt to surf on the Gold Coast waves of love and then head aboard a luxury yacht where there's lots of "Ooh, sunset", "Ooh, nice view" and other idle chitchat interspersed with Dani ravenously launching at his face. They come up for air to enjoy some dinner and Dani feels that their chemistry is written in the stars because Art is Taurean and she is a Cancer which are really compatible. I had to check that detail and she isn't making it up. Art invites Dani to spend the night on the yacht but is unsure how Dani will respond to his invitation. At a guess:

Art goes to great pains to reassure her that the overnight stay will be just at pyjama party levels of sordidness. All sorts of euphemisms are used to avoid using the 's' word that rhymes with ex, because 7.30pm timeslot.

Hands where we can seem them, Dani.

She agrees to spend the night with him but disappointingly, we don't get to see them with their early morning bed hair or what they have for breakfast but it will be something ridiculously healthy sprinkled with some rose petals and an added helping of Adonis goodness. One assumes.

Matilda heads on the next date, walks along a marina and loves what she sees, but she's easily impressed. Art romances her with a cruise on a rickety gondola, which quite sensibly, is motorised. They head out for dinner and Matilda gushes that it's amazing. Am I missing something here because it looks like someone ran out of time to set the table properly. It is basically a couple of glasses of water, some rose petals dumped on the table and the previous diner's left their dance of the seven veils costume on the corner.

Matilda says the food is lovely and deadpans that it is just like the food she cooks at home. Art misses the joke, so Matilda has to clarify that it's not at all like what she cooks at home. Awks. They head upstairs to the "amazing" penthouse and go out onto the balcony to spill some more superlatives about the view. The dessert platter looks good and Art tests whether everything on the plate is edible. It's not. To Art's credit, he blushes when he tries to eat a red sliver of plastic. Art says he was nervous that he was not going to meet someone he really liked on this experience but he couldn't have been more wrong. Is he talking about Matilda specifically? After seeing Dani and Art on their date, I just don't know anymore. They get to the crux of the chat and he invites her to spend the night but she declines the offer and then spends the rest of the episode agonizing over whether she has made the right decision. Bed. Lie in it.

Alysha has the final date and stands right in front of a Helicopter tours sign and asks what they are going to be doing. Oh, Alysha. They fly inland to a health spa retreat and proceed to step into a hot tub where Arthur has obviously been watching those home birthing videos again and reenacts the blood and gore by pouring some oil and good red wine INTO THE WATER. Alysha tries not to throw up at the grossness.

They take a shower and I'm feeling like I need one too watching this. Alysha says it feels private but there's a camera trained on them and we are all watching so it is very voyeuristic.

We know Arthur likes his trees, so there's the obligatory shot of him losing control at the size of the ones they see on their post-shower bush walk. There's a decent picnic set out for them on a deck overlooking an amazing vista, but coming from New Zealand, I'm just paying lip service. It's becoming clear that South Islanders aren't particularly knowledgeable about fancy fruit because Alysha has not heard of quince before. They chat and Alysha does her best to make no eye contact whatsoever and so kissing seems like a good way to pass the time. Oh, and spending the night together.

Now we are down to decision-making time and Mike casually interviews Art from his matching Barcelona chair. Is it easier or harder now there are only three girls left? Well Mike, it doesn't make it easier. So it's hard then. Right, glad we established that. Moving right along to the rose ceremony. The geniuses at the TV3 wardrobe unit colour-code the girls so it's clear who spent the night with Art and who held out. Matilda, dressed in virginal white, looks anxious and sweaty.

Attractive.

The suspense is building and in classic cliffhanger fashion, the show makes us wait until after a commercial break to find out who gets a rose. Matilda wins the first rose and then returns to hold hands with her bestie, Dani. Dani gets the last rose, sending Alysha home. Dani and Matilda hug in happiness, overjoyed with the knowledge that they get to share their boyfriend for a few more days. Alysha's stoic but there are oily, red wine whirlpools of anger in those baby blues of hers. She forces a smile and musters up something nice to say. They walk stiffly to the front door and have another stilted conversation and I am screaming at her to do the right thing and stab him in the head with her stiletto. Right between the eyes, there's still time! But, no, she's a classy married woman until the very end.

We also get a sneak peek at what I imagine is the promise ring, because we can be pretty sure there's not going to be a proposal at the end of this show. I literally gasp when I see it, and not in a good way.

Tune in tonight for the last episode. Who will win the final rose? Will it be Dani the Despo, or Matilda the Hold-out? It's going to be MASSIVE!