27 November 2014

This is why we never go to restaurants

Blurry photo to match the haze of parenting these three.
For her birthday, Sienna asked to go out for dinner to a restaurant. This type of request is not ever undertaken lightly. We very rarely do this as we know that children + any eating establishment that requires reservations and that uses glassware and has carpet on the floor = exponentially high stress levels for the parents. This place even has tablecloths and no play area so you know it's classy. For a few days leading up to the event and even as we were getting out of the car on the night, we reminded the girls of how we expected them to behave otherwise someone was going to get it. We arrive at the restaurant with the plan to finish dining before we can disturb all the childless couples arriving to enjoy a quiet/romantic/insert-any-adjective-that-is-the-polar-opposite-to-dining-out-with-children dinner and, ideally, before anyone recognizes us. We sit down to our table but only after the children have run around it and under it several times and tested out all the chairs to see which one they want to sit on. The seating arrangements last just for a few minutes until they decide that actually, that other chair furtherest away from them does look more comfortable. I'm feeling pretty good having made it to this settling in phase using only my mildest hushed threatening voice.

Once they are all sitting nicely and can leave the cutlery and empty wine glasses alone, we offer the girls something to drink. From glasses. With bendy straws. I told you this place was classy. To their credit, they do remember to speak nicely to the waiter taking their orders, and only need reminding a few times to say please and thank you. We tell them several times to make that solitary drink last because it is the only one they are getting, but there must have been some deaf tonic thrown into the fizzy drink because they are emptied within minutes, so with nothing more to occupy them, I sit back and wait for the slippery slope of boredom to come beckoning while we wait for the other dinner guests in our party to arrive.

I love it when I can sit back and observe my children causing mayhem in the restaurant. It's delightful. I really feel like I have done my job as a parent. Because if children cannot behave decorously in public, then that surely is a reflection on how they have been parented, and usually the finger of poor etiquette points directly at the mother. You know it's true. We all know that Dads are just put on earth to teach them all the bad manners and that brushing your teeth only needs to happen the day before you have a dentist appointment. It's the yin and yang of parenting. So, when one of the girls lets out a burp at the table, my husband laughs, stopping short of giving her a hearty "That's my girl' pat on the back, but only because he sees my death stare. So, yes, these little cherubs sitting in the middle of a restaurant with straws shoved up their noses clearly learnt that trick from him, but I will be the only one at that table being silently judged by onlookers. With drinks downed, and straws banished, I wait for my favourite melody "When can we eeeeeaaat? and its harmony "I'm hunnnggrry" to start on repeat.

At this time of the year, this restaurant is offering Christmas-style buffet dinners, complete with sparkly Christmas crackers. After they have eaten their fill from the all-you-can eat buffet, the children are finally allowed to open them to play quietly with the treats that lie within - ha! The stuff of fairytales. Of course, someone wins a toy that the others all want so then there is a mad rush to ransack the remaining nine crackers at the table to see if there is an identical toy. There isn't. Never mind that we are on a rare outing on a school night with their younger cousins and they have just filled their tummies with some delicious food and a single flavoursome beverage, the measure of the success of the evening rests on whether we are going to leave with three tiny plastic soccer ball yo-yos.

So, once the bill has been settled, there is the small navigational issue of herding all the children back into the same lift simultaneously while correctly remembering whose turn it is to push the button and then out to the car without the need for any of them to practice their cartwheels in the hotel lobby or to have to go back up the lift to use the toilet because they suddenly remember they have a bladder or we need to find a missing shoe.

This is why we never go to restaurants. It is all just a bit too hard. We thought we were over the days of needing to bribe our children to behave in certain social settings. We're not quite there yet. We may need to wait another 12 months to see how far along the etiquette path we have travelled. In the meantime, it is strictly McDonalds drive-through for us.

10 comments:

  1. I simultaneously was giggling and feeling your pain! Monteiths out here is a good compromise with kids - a restaurant but kid friendly.

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  2. Love this! I too have three children and we have never taken them someplace with wine glasses. I'll save that particular adventure for a few hundred years down the road. :)

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  3. I was outright cackling at this. Made my day. I'm sure in years to come they'll remember that their lovely parents took them out for dinner for Sienna's Birthday, they got to dress pretty, had fizzy drinks (with straws) and maybe you'll remember it every now and again (every time you find that blasted plastic soccer ball yo-yo thingee which you can't bear to put in the recycling).

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  4. Very entertaining! Some day they'll be taking you out to a posh restaurant and hoping you behave!

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  5. my husband and I did just the opposite - because we loved traveling and took many long trips, we took our children to restaurants from infancy. On their birthdays they got to choose where they wanted to go out to eat that year. My daughters learned to love blue cheese dressings, mushrooms and escargot before they started school. Many times we had people approach us to tell us how well behaved out children were - today we are all called foodies. My youngest has 3 y/o triplets and they are champion "restauranteers" already. Not to say that there weren't mishaps along the way, but the joy of teaching them new experiences was worth it.

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  6. made me laugh! oh joy - kids are just joy aren't they? and stress!! We've only dared take the big one out for her 6th birthday on her own. Totally superb experience. But yes 3...all those piercing eyes... hahaha feeling you! Time is our friend ;)

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  7. This is hilarious! We don't go to restaurants as a family very often, they need to be SUPER kid friendly. It is my youngest who is the culprite..........he walks over to other tables and pinches fries of peoples plates.....so embarrassing. He pinched a whole muffin once, took a bite and then put it back on the ladies plate. She was in hysterics thankfully. I offered to buy her another but she refused. She instead sent a waiter over to our table with his very own muffin xo

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  8. This is the funniest thing I've read all week. I feel you:). Xx

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  9. You are hilarious!! I feel as though I am actually there and I can sooo relate! Made my day:)

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  10. Oh my this is funny! Our kids are 2 and 3 year old, and behave pretty well in restaurants. But possibly it has to do with the fact that they both loooooove food, and that they're still 2 and 3 years old. So everyone thinks that they are adorable and soo well behaved, whereas i'm sure that 3 years from now, their behaviour will be judged more severely...

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