27 March 2015

The Bachelor NZ Eps 3 and 4

Four episodes down and it's fair to say that I am obsessed with the show. I'm not even sorry.

It's also fair to say that TV3 are keen to drag this thing out for as long as possible, with just one girl per episode leaving the mansion over the last two nights. While there is definitely enough material from each show for separate blog posts, I've decided to condense them into one because ain't nobody got time fo' dat.

Seven girls have now left the mansion. So far, I still have confidence that Matilda, Kristie and Poppy will make it to the end but the longer the show goes on and we get to know the remaining girls a little better, I'll reserve the right to change my mind about who should make the final two. My blog, 'mkay?

No matter what you may think of Art, and how vanilla his personality is, there's no denying that he's a true gentleman. Here he is at the most recent cocktail party gallantly offering to help one of the contestants find the rest of her dress.
I think it's over here somewhere

Matilda goes on the second one-on-one date and the cryptic clue on the date card reads "The higher you go, the bigger the fall". Whilst they all sit around the grounds of the mansion like limpets firing out suggestions for what the date might entail, she perceptively exclaims "I feel like it's something high". Full marks, Matilda.

This is New Zealand and Kiwi girls are generally pretty low-maintenance but nowhere does it become more obvious that this is a budget Kiwi production when a contestant drives herself to her one-on-one date. Matilda doesn't need a chauffeur or GPS to find the bachelor because her Arthur radar works just fine. She arrives at the meeting point and waves at Art through the windscreen like she's doing the school pick-up. He tells her they are going to scale the Auckland Harbour Bridge and she can barely hide her lack of enthusiasm but she's a trouper and dons her hardhat and overalls like a boss. Not only do they climb to the top of the bridge, they go bungee jumping from it too. That must have been when the funds for this date ran out because they then enjoy a picnic on a teeny-tiny metal landing under the bridge and stand awkwardly around a handkerchief-sized hamper making small talk about future babies and marveling at the view that they've only been looking at for the last two hours. I really like Matilda, but this date leaves me wondering if she is going to be left in the friend-zone.
The fact that I had to add a shark to this shot serves to highlight how unexciting this date was.

Up to this point, the group dates have included a harbour cruise and rally car racing with a pervy uncle instructor. Two of the girls cannot drive manuals so that was fun for them. Because everyone likes looking like a numpty in front of a national audience. The dates seem to be getting progressively worse; the latest one involved mucking out the alligator enclosure at Auckland Zoo. One of the girls jokingly asks if it is designed to see how clean they'd keep house to which Vanilla replies "Possibly". Kill me now. The one-on-one dates are marginally better. Art has taken Poppy sea kayaking and exploring rock pools like the 5 year olds they are. He's romanced Matilda on a corner of the Auckland Harbour bridge with the world's smallest picnic hamper. He's also managed to whisk Kristie away to a gazebo at the top of a windswept hill for some alone time, where she not so subtly tells him that it wouldn't take much for her "walls" to be brought down. This show is way more fun when I insert innuendo where there is none.

Permasmile (Amanda), the mother of twins heads off with Art on the third one-on-one date. They drive into a golf course and past the large wooden Muriwai Golf Club sign where she asks "Are we playing golf?" and I lose all hope. If she were to compile the top three worst ideas for any date let alone her first date, playing golf should be at the very top of her list. She is terrible at it (as would I be) and because Arthur is so good at everything, he comes to her rescue and shows her how to swing the club ("with his arms" Amanda helpfully adds in her on-camera piece) and I die at the sheer predictability of the scene.

One thing that has been made abundantly clear is that Art is not overly into public displays of affection and the fact that he isn't eager to lob the gob at every opportunity must come as a relief to the contestants, because ew, infectious mononucleosis. They must all be wondering who is going to be the first one to properly pash him though and thus claim bragging rights. There have been very limited opportunities to be able to break into someone else's personal space so far and I have seen more high fives going on on these dates than I have at a game of basketball.
Nice move, playa.
Back at the mansion, Dani is wondering whether there will be any kissing on the first date of the show that spans the evening, because lord knows, sunsets = passion and Amanda must be a horn bag since she already has children. It looks like they've recycled the gazebo from the previous group date and given it a wee makeover. This is an inspired move since I like a bit of upcycling and it means they can afford the three-piece orchestra standing on the sand dunes. Props to you TV3 and thinking laterally around your tiny budget constraints. You must have got a good deal on the Warehouse fairy lights 'cos those things are everywhere.
We don't get to see much at all of some of the girls, in particular Shivani or Natalie, which makes it difficult for me to lampoon them, so please try harder TV3. There are shots of the girls lounging about in bikinis, playing cards or engaging in idle chitchat and perfecting their needlework and looking longingly into the distance patiently waiting for the return of the menfolk (not really).

Poppy, the girl who unbelieveably cut the cheese on the first date with the Bachelor, seems to be a front runner for Art's affections as not only did she sweep sludge out of the alligator enclosure like a champ, she managed to snaffle some more alone time with him feeding lemurs at the zoo where after loosely observing some of their traits they promptly name them after some of the contestants. Funnily enough, one of the girls, Hayley, barely has had any time with Arthur and next to no screen time so when Poppy names one of the quieter lemurs after her, Arthur responds "Which one is Hayley?" and I laugh loudly at this life imitating lemur moment. Determined not to remain invisible, Hayley ensures that he, and the nation, won't ever forget who she is and during that evening's happy hour, she raps to him. Badly. But it earns her a rose, so good for you, Slim Hayley.

Poppy drops a bomb(shell) and tells Art she cannot continue because the process is throwing her into complete turmoil, which is either a stark moment of honesty or a brilliant masterstroke in manipulation. There's a lot of intense gazing and hand holding and he seems genuinely upset by her wavering about whether to remain on the show. Even though he is contractually obligated to not reveal how deeply he feels about one particular girl until the very end, the veeerrry long hug he gives her after offering her a rose reassures her and would send a message even to the blind that he really fancies her. Well played, Poppy. I hope she sticks around because she is the Queen of the oneliners.
Apart from Poppy's witticisms, the only one who may provide me with some blogging mileage is Chrystal. She is being painted as the villainess and she has some very cutting remarks which seems very un-Kiwi so I half-expect her to pull off her face midway through a rose ceremony and reveal herself to be Gordon Ramsay. We've already had two contestants opt to not accept a rose from the Bachelor in other surprise twists so anything is possible.

Some highly important statistical information that may persuade you to rot your brain alongside me next week:
Naked torso: 2
High five: 3
Awkward pause: 4
Furtive glance: 82
Girl crying: 2
Bachelor crying: 0
Peck on the cheek: 26
Kiss on lips: 0

Tune in next week when someone pushes the lip-kissing panic button and one girl seems to have secured a Sunglass Hut deal on aviators.


  1. Of course I haven't seen this show, but your commentary is hilarious!!! It is a bit like the thoughts that go through my mind when I watch The Real Housewives of (choose a city, I watch them all except Miami, can't stand the Miami lot!). Do you get this show in NZ? Perhaps trapping someone on a tiny balcony on a bridge is a good way to see how long you can stand them for before you shove them off over the edge - or jump off yourself! xx

  2. Ha! Well! I watched this for the first time tonight, and I blame/credit you ENTIRELY!!