01 April 2015

The Bachelor NZ Ep 5: Because I'm all about the kiss

Nice view
Only three weeks, five episodes or 225 minutes of my life patiently spent in the reception area of the Bank of Wanting Some Action waiting for the first proper kiss and Clark Kent opens his account on Dani's face. And he went in for seconds. I have no words. Apart from these words. I feel a little bit disappointed and slightly sullied. I really don't understand Art's attraction to Dani and now their date and subsequent lovesick pieces to camera have really thrown my list of top contenders into complete disarray. Damn you TV3 and your manipulative editing.

I've mentioned before about Art's limited opportunities to invade the women's personal spaces and he's still getting pretty creative on it. This episode sees him and Dani going on a date zip-lining and enjoying a few Lindauers in a vineyard on Waiheke Island. There is a scene where they attempt to playfully push each other off some low posts and I wonder if we are back in primary school. He lets his fingers do the walking on her bare leg as they lounge on a blanket and it's all just building up to The Moment.

Dude looks like he can kiss though and ovaries across the nation quivered at the sight. Kissing without teeth clashing is a very important quality so he's gained some merit points. Oh wait, he knows about botany. Points deducted there.

The group date involves guns and archery but the guns don't have real bullets and I am sad to report that Katniss Everdeen did not launch herself out of the grapevines and deal to someone just to liven things up a little. Hayley has a backup plan for her burgeoning rapping career as she wins the laser target-shooting competition and earns herself some Ar(t)chery "alone time" within sight and earshot of the other girls. Très romantique. Art gets in nice and close to Hayley for some expert arrow-launching tuition. There's even a close up shot of his fingertips lightly brushing her top. Can you HANDLE the SCANDAL? Hayley comes away from this "date" without a rose and the writing is on the wall for her.
Warning: may contain explicit content

At the cocktail party that evening, poor roseless Matilda is looking very nervous and I don't blame her. Even Natalie is given a rose prior to the rose ceremony. Chrystal is yet to have a single date with Art, but she does seem to spend the most time chatting with him during the cocktail evenings at the house. Art undiplomatically asks her about her VAST number of exes but she deftly deflects the question and then attempts to portray herself as the marrying kind by saying she'd love to have a family so they could get together with other families and have dinners and a fireworks night and stuff. This is all very well in Chrystal World but what about the other 22 hours in the day where she'll actually have to, I don't know, be a parent? Her friend is off playing Mother Teresa in India and Chrystal would like to go there because, well, because she has never been to India before and she wants to experience the culture/not help at the orphanages.
Chrystal, Patron Saint of crushed testicles

The evening's rose ceremony begins with Natalie, Dani and Alysha already smugly holding their blooms because they are the CHOSEN ONES. Hayley leaves without so much as a rap. In one final act of humiliation, the girl who leaves must then stand in front of the Bachelor who has just rejected her and then say something benevolent to him in front of the other girls. To their credit thus far, all of them have mustered up something half-decent to say but let's see how this develops in future episodes. Sure, us Kiwis aren't generally into causing scenes, but throw in a little sleep deprivation, a bit of hurt feelings and a few too many glasses of wine at them and see what happens.

Stay tuned for tonight's episode where there will be lights, camera and definitely action on Chrystal's first proper date with Art.


  1. I so love your bachelor recaps, they have me in fits of giggles all the time. In Germany we just finished the 3rd or 4th season and it isn´t nearly as entertaining! Can´t wait to hear how Chrystals first date will go!

  2. I have read this an now I want to watch it properly as you made it sound hilarious! I have to say that Crystal remind me of 'Courtney' in the US's season 16.

  3. Thanks to you I watched tonite and last nite sort of! That Crystal got the date! The kiss! Ha! Your summaries are awesome and so funny. When they were doing the Sushi I kept thinking of your Jaws addition!!!!!

  4. Thanks for the summaries, this is all I need to keep up to date.

  5. Oh you are so funny!!!!! It is good that you are married otherwise you would give some of these girls a run for the boy! xx