02 April 2015

The Bachelor NZ Ep 6: Life imitating Art

Phew, after this episode I was feeling drained from ALL THE KISSING. So much happened, but then it seems like nothing of any real substance happened at all and I have confused myself for thinking that so much happened.

Art wants to show us his romantic side and spoil his date by - making their own sushi and then eating it in the foyer of the Auckland Museum. Lucky Chrystal, the prime candidate for looking like she has never had gifts bestowed upon her by anyone ever is served up a beautiful evening gown with a fresh side of diamond earrings. Quick side-note: I do not consider it to be romantic for a guy to pick out a dress that she is then required to wear; it is borderline controlling creep unless you're the kindly hotel manager in Pretty Woman because he was a pretty cool dude.

During the sushi-making session, Chrystal is suddenly incapacitated by the sight of Art/the fact she may have to prepare a meal possibly for the first time that she is rendered incapable of tying her apron. Arthur is so grateful to be deemed worthy to breathe the same air as her, he helpfully ties it up for her meatworks-style. The guy was nervous, this is the effect she has on all mortal beings.

They head to the museum to chow down on their meat-makings and Art says he has organized for the building to be cleared for just the two of them, which is not hard since no-one works in the museum after-hours but nice way to try and convince us that he has the keys to Auckland City.

He claps eyes on his beautiful date after he last saw her covered in all manner of fishy and starchy substances and whaddayaknow, we have our second Pretty Woman moment:
I know. Uncanny.

The movie referencing gets better. Art then does his best Richard Gere impersonation and produces a box of bling (it was probably cubic zirconia but he declares them to be "full diamonds" so who am I to second-guess him).
They stroll hand in hand along the museum corridor like a living advertisement for unattainable perfection and sit down to enjoy their meal. There's so much awkwardness between them and I desperately hope one of them drops sushi into their lap to break the tension. Someone order them some escargot.
But, sadly, no, Crystal is a stone cold fish-fox which makes the shark that they are standing in front of when Arthur gifts her the jewellery even more pertinent.

After dinner, they head to the rooftop to admire the view of the Auckland skyline and to play a game of  tonsil hockey. Art is a very good goalie because she asks in the best line of the night "Are you going to open your mouth?" Humiliation station. This girl is direct, if nothing else. I can only surmise that kissing her with his mouth closed was a defence mechanism because he must subconsciously be aware that Chrystal the Temptress is in fact Satan in disguise and he was fearful of her unleashing flies down his throat.

The date ends with Art reverting to his giggly, lovesick 12 year old self and Chrystal declaring to the remaining girls that the kiss was one of the best she's ever had.


In another fantastically Kiwi PC move, everyone gets to go on the next group date. It's not so much a group date as a harem relocation but whatevs. The girls get to walk the runway/around a fountain at the Winter Gardens in the Auckland Domain and the girl who demonstrates the most "personality" gets a private photo shoot with Art. Chicabowwow. Poppy claims that she is a walking orange sausage in her dress. That'd be the gourmet beef and red wine variety and not the saveloys, because she looks absolutely stunning. Amanda asserts she is David Bowie in a dress. She's not far wrong but I think Poppy wins that analogy too.
Some of the girls are clearly uncomfortable with the whole walking around with not many clothes on thing but it heralds the arrival of Natalie, who looks like she was born to model. Go Natalie! I am glad to see her come out of the shadows.
She impresses Art but not enough to win the photo shoot with him. That award goes to Dani, after she blows his mind with her ravishingness in her bridal gown during the finale. The rest of the girls look 50 shades of enraged after she swans off with him for some more kissing practice because she has already locked lips with him so why would you want to try old pastures when there's a good 11 or so paddocks still waiting to be grazed. So to speak.

Art gushingly enthuses to camera "What if this is my wedding photo and I am actually marrying Dani?" confirming my long-held suspicion that he has spent far too many hours amongst women that he is actually turning into one himself.
In the evening's slush hour, Matilda and the girls drum up a fun game where they boycott falling over themselves to approach Art and instead force him come into the restaurant to have his pick from the all you can eat buffet.

Danielle is invited to join him in the confessional to share her personal hang-ups with open books and padlocked diaries and I still like her even though she's confusing the bejeebus out of me with all her stationery metaphors.

We see more of Shivani in this episode than we have in the whole series so far, which leaves me full of renewed hope for her but after she opens her mouth I soon realise why she hasn't featured much before. I am sure she is lovely but all that we learn of her is that she likes tall guys and dancing. Of Art, she says woodenly "He's growing on me" like he's a poorly-thought through wall colour. Unfortunately, the feeling is not mutual and Shivi sashays out the French doors.

As she departs, the girls chorus that they loved having her in the house and she shows real emotion for the first time saying "That means more to me than....anything else". What she actually meant was "hanging around here pretending to be interested in Arthur". Good recovery, Shiv.

Wait for next week when Alysha rebuffs the Buff Dude's advances and Kristie, my early front runner in the race for Art's heart may be for the chopping block. Can you stand the suspense?


  1. I am loving your Bachelor updates, so spot on (and very funny) :)

  2. Good God women, this is the best blog post I've seen in ages! I haven't been watching it but I get the low down from my daughter as she is a huge fan of anything Bachelor or Bachelorette xo

  3. this is brilliant!!!!! you 'nit the hail on the ned'

  4. Really - blue eyeshadow........... I just wish that I could watch this show to fully appreciate all that you are saying! Happy Easter! xx

  5. Hahaha you are too funny - although i haven't seen any i look forward to your recaps - they are so good for a big chuckle ;)