10 April 2015

The Bachelor NZ Ep 8: An awkward date and a haiku or two

Kristie has been telling us all season long that so many things are right up her alley, it is little surprise that she randomly pulls out the next date card that she has apparently been sitting on all morning. In another not very exciting surprise twist, it is a group date instead of the anticipated one-on-one date and the coven cackles with much glee. This time, the girls will be heading somewhere for a pool party. Chrystal feels pretty confident that she will be going on the date and is less than enthused about it so half-seriously tries to sell her spot to one of the other hapless girls. We'll never die wondering what Chrystal is thinking at any given moment, but we're not really told why she doesn't want to go. Maybe she is worn out from all her malevolence.

Art casually observes Chrystal's disinterest in mingling with the other girls. She lies on a recliner barely moving the whole time and soaking up the sun's rays so there is no further proof needed that she is part-reptilian. Danielle is spared the ignominy of partaking in a lame game of pool volleyball because she's got a sore ankle from Art double-bouncing her on the trampoline at the last group date. Why do they always edit out the good bits?

Art asks Poppy if she'd like to talk and Poppy responds that she'd "really like to talk to his face" where Art basically reinforces to her that she is in the top three. There's a cutesy little interplay and I smile happily at them in spite of myself. They so want to kiss each other but don't because she's properly English and will only be happy to share him with five other girls maximum so we're at least two weeks away from seeing them pash.
My Art, what big agaves you have.
We return to the pool, where Art is incredulous to learn that Matilda can't dive but she looks great in a bikini so phwoar to that. It's Super Art to the rescue and he gallantly shows her how to dive. Can we find something that this guy cannot do just to make him look vaguely human? Oh, yeah he can't do Alysha. So, there's that.
Poppy is a vegetarian so naturally, she eats the table decorations.

Danielle plays up her injury to her advantage and Art literally carries her to a secluded spot while Chrystal yells out "We all know what we do to lame horses" (not really, but it's what she meant by calling Danielle a dark horse). He finds Danielle's intelligence and career successes to be very attractive which I guess she is in a Mrs Robinson kind of way.

Later in the day, Art and Matilda spend some time alone from the rest of the group where she demonstrates that while she may not be able to dive properly, she can haiku with the best of them and blows him away with:

This tropical storm
Makes my heart go boom for you
Give me a rose now

Her poem earnt her a rose that she still tried to wrestle from him. These things are harder than they look to write.

Hey Billy Big Balls
Make some babies with me and
Call them Matildarts

Amanda's clairvoyance is off the charts when she declares that the next date is going to be either a one-on-one date or a group date. To this point, the three girls who have not yet had a one-on-one date with Art are Natalie, Kristie and Danielle. We are in week four so that's a lot of time sitting around the house agonizing about Art's perceived lack of interest in them and I think Natalie has spent the time wisely by turning herself into knots.

This is Natalie's first date as she has never had a proper boyfriend so it is her best date ever, but only by default.
Mmmm, the sweet scent of awkward conversation

It's all aboard the super-yacht of ill-conceived menus where they proceed to jump off it. It's a really long way down and she probably worries she'll lose her bikini top, but that is the least of her concerns. She has a smack down with the ocean and loses part of her tooth. Hardcore. She spits it out and carries on and I am left wondering who is this girl? The one moment when she is actually allowed to lose her composure and she handles it well. They go stand-up paddle boarding which she has never done before (Art has, of course) and it actually looks really difficult. For someone who seems so awkward, she is graceful and completely unaware of how gorgeous she is. They have a bit of a cuddle in the shower and I hope for Art's sake it's a cold shower because she is smokin' hot. They change into a wardrobe from Dynasty and have dinner which is basically ginormous stalks of broccoli and couscous for her because she doesn't like salmon, olives or sun-dried tomatoes. She's not a fussy eater at all. Art compliments her. Repeatedly. She clearly is unaccustomed to it and is not comfortable with him doing so, yet he persists. The conversation is also very repetitive and superficial and all it does is highlight how much more the conversation flows when he is with Dani, Poppy, Matilda, Alysha, cripes even Danielle. Even though he is trying to make her feel at ease, she totally spins out once she accepts his rose. It is really hard to watch and I just want to leap through the tv and help the poor girl out with one of my haikus. Here's one for prospective future daters of Natalie, because it is fairly certain she won't be getting another one with Arthur:

I am very shy
Don't try to compliment me
or feed me salmon

The cocktail evening is very entertaining. Alysha has stewed over a couple of gibes Chrystal made earlier in the day about her frigidity and she confronts Chrystal the Slut about it. This is not Chrystal's first rodeo so she feigns interest in being admonished and then walks away leaving Alysha still seething. I shouldn't enjoy watching this show, but I totally do.

So, we come to the rose ceremony and it's fairly easy to predict who will be going home as the march towards brunette obliteration continues. It's the end of the love connection for Amanda, the girl of many faces.
Don't worry Amanda, someone still cared enough about you to write you a farewell haiku:

There is a man in
Amanda yet she has no
man this is cryptic

Tune in next week when there is a shakeup at the mansion and cattiness levels reach new heights. Hopefully.


  1. I saw an advert on the TV for a show called "the bachelor", I am not going to watch it because even if it is a different one to yours, I know that I would waste hours of time watching it after your great posts on your version! I will stick to reading what you have to say!! xx

  2. Oh my gosh you're hilARious. It is definitely your posts that have made me start (and keep) watching this blimin' show. Well done for wanting to leap through the TV, I wanted to run in the other direction! That was agony!

    Tell me where you live
    I'll watch the final with you
    Just don't tell my friends

  3. bahahahahaha - seriously... a laugh a second these posts!