09 April 2015

The Bachelor NZ Ep 7: Dodgey moves

Eleven women remain in the house and Art thinks about the potential for a future with them while dangling his red ball between his legs. I'm not even making this up. The show's producers are making the innuendo far too easy.

At the house, somebody has sprung for a plug-in spa pool with most of the girls jammed into it and they all look thrilled to be there. It didn't appear to have a jet bubbles function but no matter because Poppy is on standby.
Brigette performs the only duties required of her so far this season and reads the date card to dramatic effect. Alysha, who really hasn't featured a great deal, will be the one heading for the hills with Art. It turns out that he has "arranged" for her to fly down to Blenheim. The South Island. Woohoo! Bet she's never been there before. Art is there to greet her on the tarmac and they drive off in a classic blue Ford Mustang, which is thrilling. I guess? The Bachelor being filmed here is the third most exciting thing to happen in Blenheim in a while after the Royal Tour and the locals voting on whether to install traffic lights.

The couple head to Wither Hills winery to blend their own sauvignon blanc, where after some playful banter between them, Art wins the challenge and calls it Southern Sapphire after Alysha's eyes. If vomit was a permissible component, there'd be a bit of that in my blend. They enjoy some lunch in the same room as William and Kate when the royals visited, which vaguely impresses Alysha. They make small talk and it's all very bland and Art says he'd like to get to know her better and find out what's behind those beautiful blue eyes. Well, I'm just going to take a guess here Art, and say a couple of retinas. Maybe some optic nerves.

They take a walk through the vineyard and Art presents her with a bottle of the wine he blended earlier that bears a personalized label. They seem comfortable in each other's company and Art takes the opportunity to ask to kiss her after giving her a rose. No pressure.
Alysha, bless her little provincial heart, probably still believes that girls can get pregnant from kissing, so denies him. Poor Art, he should really have done his research as there are at least 75 Things to Do in Blenheim but Alysha is not one of them. When she returns to the house and declares to the salivating masses that she did not kiss him in spite of wanting to totally go there, Dani jokingly but unabashedly takes the mantle of House Hussy. Matilda, looking very enraged by his flagrancy in the kissing department, calls Art "Billy Big Balls" but I still think she wants to climb him like a tree.
Not that tree.
The group date involves a game of trampoline dodgeball and amid some frantic-sounding music and lots of giggling, Art declares that it is some of the most exciting sport he has seen in a while. He's into lifting kettlebells so this is not hard to believe. And the puns just keep on coming. While standing on a trampoline, he kicks off the game by announcing "Let's jump to it" and all the girls laugh like he is the funniest guy ever and I claw my face off.

Her team consists of Brigette and an accordion-playing lawyer. All hope is lost. In her piece to camera, Brigette, with tongue firmly in cheek, declares that she is quite dodgey. Not dodgey enough though as she gets hit by a ball and is out of the game, leaving Kristie in a showdown with the last remaining opponent, Dani. This could only get better for Art if they were covered in oil. Dani's team is the eventual winner and Kristie snarls like the natural born leader her teachers say she is. Dani's team progresses to the second competition, which involves creative slamdunking. Because all girls are dumb, Art demonstrates what is meant by being creative.
Chrystal pulls out a pregnancy yoga move. Natalie really does not look comfortable at all with this challenge and I blush madly for her. As always, Dani goes the extra mile and literally jumps through hoops for her man, winning her alone time in the sweat-infused foam pit.
Minecraft: the Ken and Barbie version

They chat about Kristie's competitiveness and that Art is finding it hard to make his decisions because he's a limpet. Dani opens up about the challenges she is facing from certain girls resenting her connection to Arthur but all she gets from him for her efforts is a weird finger tap under her chin and not the rose she was seeking.

At the evening's cocktail party, the confidence levels and necklines are a bit low. In various dialogues, a few of the girls indicate that they would be happy for Kristie to be sent home because a) she's competitive b) she's bossy c) she fist-pumps too much. I am learning so many valuable life lessons from this show in particular, competitive girls are very unattractive to other competitive girls and also, presumably, to men who use a competition to find love. The tension between Chrystal and Kristie in particular is ramping up a few notches, which is all great telly. Kristie earns a rose prior to the ceremony so both the Southern belles get to roll their r's another day and Chrystal is ecstatic about that.
One for the dartboard, Chrystal.

In a surprise twist, it's a double elimination but as we have seen very little of them up until this particular cocktail evening, it is inevitable that Brigette and Carrisa take the Suzuki ride of shame down the Kumeu driveway. It's fairly obvious Arthur has a type, and the brunettes are losing this battle.


  1. Southern Sapphire! I die! :)) Thanks for this hilarious read again!

  2. Hahaha, this is gold. I don't even watch the Bachelor and I'm enjoying these updates.