The Bachelor NZ Ep 10: The Bay of Plenty of action

The whole world thinks Danielle is going on the next single date but just when you think that you have sussed out the machinations of this show, it is Poppy who ends up going leaving Danielle, the only one who has not yet gone on a date with Art, wanting to hurt someone. Except she doesn't because Danielle is lovely as you would expect an owner of a kayaking dog that wears a life-jacket to be.

I don't know any of these girls personally, but I have finally worked out who Poppy reminds me of.

Poppy phenylethelamines into her undies and there are hilarious flapping freefall faces all round when she and Art go tandem skydiving. Afterwards, they drive to a cottage retreat that has an orchard and Art declares he'd like to have a big garden like it one day. Aww, he loves gardens you guys.

Back at the condo, the girls have moved from just hanging out in a bedroom with a couch and chair in it to just casually hanging out on the jetty on beanbags and the date card reads "Some things are just better one on one". A committed relationship being one of them. Kristie thinks it is a group date even though all the signs are pointing to it being another single date, but she also thinks a woman named Black Doris makes icecream so she's an unreliable source. It turns out to be a single date and hallelujah! Danielle's name is on the card at last.

Back at the cottage, Art and Poppy go for a dip in a swimming hole where Poppy has a wardrobe malfunction. This girl seems to have all the embarrassing things happen to her when she's on her dates with Art. They step into an outdoor heated bath filled with flower petals. There is not much room for Poppy to fit her gargantuan size 8 frame in there with him but it's a great opportunity for a giggle.

and possibly some unintentional frottage.

Poppy voices her concerns that having a bath on a second date is quite forward which seems a bit rich coming from her since she just flashed him in the swimming hole. She has also previously told him she has a no-kiss stance until she's in the final five, but oooh, they're making lusty eyes at each other so they launch into it with her declaring it to be a "faultless kiss" and that may be so if she's comparing it to practicing kissing on her arm.

She returns to the apartment and Alysha asks the only question that matters to which Poppy replies "I pecked him on the cheek". She lies by wilfully omitting the details of the other kisses. I understand the don't kiss and tell approach but I find her adopting this strategy quite interesting when the other girls have all been completely open about their saliva swaps and they will all find out the truth eventually. What is wrong with you Poppy, you're British and, by association, trustworthy. It is the very foundation upon which this fine nation of ours was built.

Super-nice and super-deserving Danielle goes blokarting with Art on the second single date and it is the complete opposite in dynamics compared to Poppy's raunchy date. I don't know anything about the activity but I suspect the key ingredients for a successful race are wind and worthy opponents and there isn't much of either. The only exciting thing to happen is Danielle's cart flipping on its side. She doesn't even get hurt. I know. HIGH DRAMA.

Much helmets. So excite.

They take a nice stroll along the beach and they flout the total fire ban laws because there's a fire pit complete with perfectly cut logs and a built-in seat made from sand and we witness the return of the picnic hamper from Matilda's and Dani's dates. They roast nice marshmallows, drink nice hot chocolates and laugh nervous laughs leading Danielle to exclaim on several occasions that it is the perfect date but even though she is trying to talk herself into it, there just doesn't seem to be much of a spark between these two. I will Mike Puru to pop up from beneath the mound of sand just to make things more interesting but it doesn't happen. NOTHING HAPPENS.

Scene of nothingness.

Even so, Art gives her a rose. When Danielle recounts the date to the girls and mentions that they went blokarting, the girls look blankly at her. When she says there was no chemistry, Dani and Matilda look genuinely shocked that someone has openly announced that she does not want to make little paleo babies with Art.

We're off to the French Country House (in the Bay of Plenty) for the cocktails. Matilda has coordinated her cast to match her dress and Danielle has something to get off her chest but it's not the gold quilted futuristic number she is wearing. She tells Art she cannot accept his rose after all and the girls are full of admiration for her decision and then toast to one less accordian player in the house. I know, it's all the ammo I have on this woman, she's too gosh darned nice.

This is the third contestant to leave the show of her own accord. What can the girls do to help ease Art's shock at Danielle leaving? Chrystal, still continuing to impress as the most self-possessed woman on the show, could go and talk to him, if only she could be bothered getting off the couch. They send down Natalie to chat with him, the one girl who forgets how to talk whenever she is in the presence of a big helping of Stud Muffin. Now that Art has been cured of his depression through Nat's general awkwardness, Kristie uses her opportunity to salvage her chances of remaining for another week and shows Art her vulnerable side but it's all just blah blah blah to Art because she's the next one for the long, lonely drive back to Auckland or whereever The Bachelor rejects get sequestered while the show is being filmed.

Kristie takes a moment to say goodbye to the other women and they all arrange their faces into something vaguely resembling sadness but something is missing. Where are the tears??! Kristie demands tears. Some of the girls do their best to look properly upset including Poppy but she may just have a headache from her hair braid.

The next episode promises more kissing and an active volcano which is not even a metaphor and shenanigans at the cocktail party. Hooray!