The Bachelor NZ Ep 11: So many screenshots, not much storyline

Mike Puru's timing is impeccable as he finds the girls all pining away together at the dining table to deliver the next 'envelope of lurve'. Dani hopes it will be her going on the single steamy date. It's not. Instead, Alysha gets to drive herself to an aerodrome in Whakatane where she finds a helicopter lounging casually next to Art. They head to White Island, which is a very cool place to visit if you're into volcanic geomorphology and have a helmet fetish, which Art so clearly does.

Alysha throws around intellectual words like 'pluming' and 'acidic' and I think she may just be the perfect match for her boyfriend who knows everything there is to know about anything ever.

They fly to a cliff top for a picnic which consists of beer because gannet colony. Also, New Zealand. Because of his amaze body language skills, Art can tell she is holding something back and she says she was living with her ex-partner in Japan and then trails off. Somehow he deduces from that that she is still married. CONTROVERSY. Being separated isn't that much of a big deal. Going by the promo for this episode, I was hoping for something slightly more scandalous like she is actually a man.

They share a kiss in the ocean and thank goodness that they are in water when it happens because it's sizzling if the music crescendo is anything to go by.

Back at the apartment, the girls are snorting lines of scones and macarons except for Chrystal who eats men for breakfast and Natalie pulls out the next date card which reads "Who's really looking for a love match?"

Dani is.

All the girls except for Alysha and Poppy are going. The Old Forest School looks like a really great setting. Art goes dressed for Book Week as his favourite character and saunters out wearing a tennis outfit and a blue sweater draped over his shoulders.

Bruce Patman and Mike share a joke.

Matilda tells Mike several times how cute Art looks in his tennis whites, and Mike doesn't disagree. I love Mike. There could be a whole paragraph of tennis puns here but I am too tired and really can't be bothered. 

Fangirling on the sideline

The girls play a couple of games and the circus clown music starts to play. Chrystal is hilariously terrible but at least she joins in on this date. A for effort, Chrystal. Art literally skips to high five Dani, his doubles team mate between points and I wonder how long it will be before he is at his annoyingly patronizing best. Not long at all, as it turns out as he offers some sage hitting advice to Chrystal.

You are terrible at tennis, but I still think you're ace.

Afterwards, they order some food from a burger van, and Chrystal does little to scotch concerns about how high maintenance she is by insisting those burger people give her cutlery to eat a burger. Art steals her away to show her his school report. I only wish that was a metaphor. She laughs in all the wrong places and Art probably regrets showing his bowl cut to the resident mean girl but she gives him a gold star and flashes him her cleavage, so totally worth it.

Art then invites Nat to spend some time alone with him and they must have to reshoot this scene several times because in the short distance from Tippy, the converted wagon they were sitting in, to the front door of the building, it magically turns to nightfall. Now we know for sure we are in heartland New Zealand when a) there's a party in an old shed and b) the only brown guy in the room is playing a guitar.

Nat and Art sit on a school benchseat and try really hard to enjoy the romantic serenade with tv cameras in their faces and all the other girls getting tipsy in Tippy laughing off the awkwardness of watching their boyfriend with Nat. It looks like the budget for Tiki Taane's appearance fee only extends to one song so Art manages to pull Natalie away from the other girls' prying gaze to get deep and meaningful, but Natalie can't relax enough to do either so their alone time flatlines in record time. Someone please put this poor girl out of her misery. It is very hard to watch.

Rose ceremony time. Dani's tongue has missed Art's tonsils so very much and pops in to say hi. Their kiss goes on for such a long time that Dani needs to chug a drink to replace lost fluids afterwards. The other girls see this blatant PDA and they spit tacks. It's glorious. Art is busy feeding each girl the same line that he likes them and can see a future with all of them so it is getting much harder to predict who is going to be sent home. Even so, it is little surprise to see Natalie without a rose because brunette. We're down to five contestants and since they are all blonde, the big question is will Art remember who they all are? Will I?