The Bachelor NZ Ep 9: Horsing around

Warning: The horse puns are dire and predictable and don't get any better, I'm afraid.

We check in on Art's workout and this time he's off for a hill climb and burning some mad post-run calories with his intense gaze into the distance thinking about the new adventures that he'll be embarking on with the girls in the Bay of Plenty. Strap yourselves in folks, the circus is on the move.

Back at the house, Mike drops in casually on the girls having a late-night spa to give them the news that they are going to relocate. They all seem very excited about the change of scenery, but I am more concerned about the colour of the water in the spa. There's a distinctive filmy residue made up of dead skin cells topped up with everyone's tears of desperation and that can't be healthy.

The single date card for Kristie reads "There's plenty for everyone" and Matilda correctly guesses they'll be heading to the Bay of Plenty. I hope Kristie is not a geography teacher as she asks "Is there a beach there?" I actually rewind this part of the conversation to be sure I've heard it correctly. Sadly, I have. Correct me if I'm wrong but the very fact that the location has BAY in it would indicate that there is a body of water near it somewhere.

Kristie is lacking in the geographical knowledge department but imaginary horse riding is her forte

She hopes they'll be riding horses along the beach, so imagine her unbridled joy when she is forced to walk down a gravel road somewhere deep in the Bay of Plenty bush. It's pretty though. She finds Art casually lounging against his sponsored Suzuki in the middle of nowhere. Someone needs to teach him how to park considerately for the safety of other road users/people checking on their crops.

Oh hai!

I am actually impressed by the location - where is this place?? We're not told so I wonder if someone forgot to gain consent from local iwi to film there hmmm?! It's all very beautiful with a walk through native bush down and into a tunnel to a waterfall where Art compliments Kristie on her amazing step-descending skills.

Art dives in to the swimming hole and encourages Kristie to dive in after him. I'm no expert but this is not Samoa and that water looks cold. She does a bomb into the water and starts hyperventilating and it's got nothing to do with seeing Art in a pair of togs. The water is cold, girl gonna drown. What does Art suggest? A swim over to the waterfall to have tonnes of pure frigid water sent from the heights of snowcapped mountains dumped on top of her hypothermic body. He realizes that she is struggling and needs help. What's a guy to do? Oh that's right, he has trained in surf lifesaving. Of course he has. This guy is ri-dic-u-lous. He helps her to shore where she can regain her composure and body temperature levels by the side of the swimming hole while we head to the Condo of Rapidly Wizening Ovaries in Tauranga to check on the mental conditions of the other girls.

They're making the most of their new accommodation, staring aimlessly out windows, marvelling at the size of the deck and how nice Matilda looks in the kitchen, the Stepford wife that she is.

Meanwhile, Art and Kristie have driven to a lodge where they can subtly perve on each other some more on the pretext of having full body massages. I want to know how the massage therapists decided who would get to massage the Adonis.

We leave them with Art declaring he doesn't like bossy women and Kristie trying to convince him that she is only a teeny tiny bit bossy and we head back to Tauranga where Chrystal enters the room with the next date card. It's a group date, and we're keeping it country, folks. It involves horse riding and all the girls test the couch springs by simultaneously jumping up and down on it. Point to note: Alysha sucks at holding grudges. Chrystal sits next to her to read out the card and on hearing that she is going on the date, Alysha paws at her in excitement on the Ottoman of Forgotten Feuds.

Phew, back to the single date. I can barely keep up with all the scene changes. Art and Kristie are sitting on a love seat and eating ice-cream and wine. I'm blaming the lack of proper food and the shock of her near-death experience for Kristie not realizing that Black Doris is a plum variety. Let it be known that fruit in Kristieland is also referred to in the feminine form, along with cars and boats.

Art says in his piece to camera that he doesn't feel like the date gets past third gear and I don't understand that expression because third gear is actually a good thing if you're from Invercargill and used to going backwards. There's no kiss, he doesn't give her a rose and I suspect the rose was left to turn black in the Ice-cream Cart of Failed Dates.

Kristie returns to the apartment and it's mucho awkward as she fills everyone in on the date while all the girls hold her down and perform cavity searches on her to find her non-existent rose.

It's on to the group date on a farm. Kristie spies some horses and expertly deduces that someone is going horse riding. Some of the girls look like they would rather shave their heads than go on a horse trek. The girls get to saddle up their horses and we get some disturbing insights into how Matilda's brain works if she can see a correlation between a bridle and S&M gear. I know I am going to get targeted by lots of spambots for even putting that acronym in my blog post. I do it all for you, readers. Matilda mentions that she rode a horse when she was younger and she got bit, stood on and fell off. Chrystal reassures her and tells the group that they are all going to be safe and happy and enjoy the ride. HEAVY-HANDED FORESHADOWING PEOPLE.

Chrystal is given a tall horse and *stop press*, she is unable to control this particular male. She tells Art she will sit out the group date. She's all "Bae" and he's all "Yeah?" and she's all "Nah, not doing it" and he's all "Ok, Goddess". Meanwhile, there's a whole other horsey subplot going on and Matilda's horse hates Danielle's horse. We're not told the backstory but I'm thinking there was a stallion involved somewhere, the little whorse. Matilda's horse kicks Danielle's one and Matilda falls off but Art does not realize the severity of the incident because he's a doctor now.

Dani is the first person to go and see if Matilda is okay and comforts her while they wait for an ambulance and wins the title of Miss Friendship. In the back of the ambulance, Matilda is looking more comfortable after sucking on some gas and I want some too just to get through my life recapping this show. Matilda is taken to horsepital where a broken wrist is confirmed. Last week, Natalie chipped a tooth. Their judgement may be a bit suspect but you cannot question these girls' commitment.

The rose ceremony is so sad because Matilda can't be there due to, I'm not sure, a broken wrist which prevents her from walking or talking. She earns herself a pre-ceremony rose though so all's well with her. Everyone is so shell-shocked by the horse incident and Art declares in a heartfelt speech to them all that it has brought them all closer together which it has in a polyamorous cult-type way. Dani jokingly declares Matilda deserves 20 roses to fill the room which would work if we all lived in doll houses.

Poppy and Art spend some time chatting to each other and aside from the major eye pashes she gives him, I conclude she is part-English, part-bobble head dashboard doll and Art likes the combo, so she's getting a rose tonight. Most of the girls suspect that Kristie is going to be sent home due to not winning a rose on her date with Art. Danielle also feels vulnerable having not had a single date with him so she goes into lawyer hustle mode and puts forth a convincing argument to remain at least until they go on a date. She's safe too.

Art cannot decide who to give the final rose to out of Natalie and Kristie and goes outside to mull over who to send home/polish off the unfinished drinks. Mike asks if he is okay and Art confides that he is feeling confused. Me too, Art, me too. Mike has a "Yeah, good luck with that, bro" response and shuffles off.

Nek minnit, both girls get a rose. For serious. Even emotionless Chrystal did not see that one coming. Way to mess around with everyone's feelings, you puppy scrubber. Most of the girls are filthy about the decision and I agree with Dani that if he struggled to make a decision, send them both home - but this is New Zealand and Art wins the Fair Play award.

What will happen tonight? My Eskimo Pies and I can't wait.