The Bachelor NZ Ep 12: More tedium. Help me Tom Cruise.

Still all here? Right then, get ready for the tip-off, the Harlot Gobtrotters' starting five are warmed up and ready to play the love game with Art. Mike arrives to check on his relevance levels and it turns out he is actually needed to spare Alysha the split second she'd have otherwise needed to get up off the beanbag to retrieve the date card from him. They play the usual highly annoying game of guessing whether it's going to be a single or group date. Dani, as always, hopes it's her. Despo. This time it's Matilda going on the one-on-one date. She is standing outside a hangar waiting for her man as all good girls do and he turns up in a jeep and looks tired from driving it all that way from Splash Planet.

Matilda has a thing for guys in uniform so she's having palpitations at the sight of him in his khaki overalls and says he looks like Tom Cruise except there's no hot air force guys playing shirtless volleyball in their downtime or sexy supersonic jets anywhere, just a crumbly bi-plane and a hobbyist pilot, which sums up the RNZAF nicely.

They go up in the air in the flying machine, and marvel at the water colour. Truly. We really cannot blame them for the lack of decent conversation when they are both probably packing bricks that the engine could cut out at any minute.

We know Art just loves his gardens so they then drive to the Fountain Gardens in Tauranga where Matilda exclaims that it's CUUUUTE and Art has just finished reading Cinderella and agrees that it is like a fairytale place. They take a rowboat out on a teeny tiny pond with a water sprinkler for a fountain and it's then that it is confirmed for me that the Fountain Garden is just one major disappointment. They row in circles and she comments on a rainbow and he corrects her and says "Actually, it's a double rainbow". I feel my lip start to twitch and have to calm myself from all this banality. She tells him he is a rare breed in that he is funny, nice, good-looking and not a dick. He tells Matilda that he hasn't met anyone who has made him laugh as much as she does. I tell the both of them through clenched teeth that they deserve each other, the pair of insipid twangers.

We return to the remaining girls and Poppy says "Chrystal is in a wonderful mood" when she arrives on the jetty with the next date card which is code for "she has indulged in a few too many Lindys" but who can blame her? I'd hit the bottle too if I had to endure being on this show. It turns out that two girls are going on a fishing date with Art and Alysha is thrilled to learn that it will be her and her bestie, Dani.

Stoked.

Dani's just excited to pound Art's face some more and at the prospect of a bit of rivalry she chimes 'Two girls, one rose, one stays, one goes'. I can only hope.

Back at the Garden of Futile Conversation, Art says "Matilda likes her food". Dear lord, Tom Cruise, you did not just say that? That rowboat just had uneven load distribution, that is all.

They enjoy some dessert and then Art gives Matilda even more of a legitimate reason to be weighed down, with a whole pile of diamonds on a silver bangle. Nice move.

Meanwhile, PLOT TWIST. Chrystal reveals to Dani that Poppy has properly pashed Art, so now Poppy's little secret is out. I do wonder if Poppy had wanted their intimate moments to remain just between her and Art why she would choose to tell Chrystal out of all of the girls, who by her own admission says she is not very good at keeping secrets.

We return to the Garden of Strategically Placed Lanterns where Matilda and Art go for a walk since her arm is still broken. I think her brain may be slightly broken too because she has full use of her legs and still decides not to run far, far away from him. Then my favourite thing ever happens. A cat wanders into the scene and stays there on its back for so long, I have to look away. This cat is so available, I wonder if it is actually Dani in disguise.

When Art and Matilda kiss for the first time, there's piano music and even violins playing so we know that this is the Kiss to End All Kisses. The other girls had better be worried.

Art carpes the diem out of the next date with Dani and Alysha. I find the whole situation even more bizarre than the concept of the show itself and it is not easy to watch. Alysha is really dark about having to spend her day sharing Art with another girl whereas Dani behaves as though it is completely normal to be vying for the attention of one man, a man who likes to kiss fish.

Nothing wrong with that.

This third-wheel date gets even more uncomfortable as they head ashore to eat some of their day's catch and Art takes each girl away to spend some alone time, presumably within view of the other girl. Dani takes her moment to remind Art of how much she likes to kiss him. She pretends to care if Alysha can see them but really, she doesn't care at all. Alysha, of all the remaining girls, is the most guarded. She converses with Art without making much eye contact at all and is much more reserved but is still happy to climb into his face. Neither girl gets a rose on the date, meaning just Matilda is safe at the evening's rose ceremony.

It's the last cocktail party ever and no-one is sad about that. The girls are discussing Poppy withholding details on her kiss and Poppy feels affronted at being called a liar so confronts Dani in particular. It's a bit frosty in the room but they'll all be back to being buddies next week no doubt. Chrystal ends up without a rose, which is sad for recapping purposes and I don't know how I am going to get through the next few episodes without her snark to inspire me.

Special mention: Poppy's cleavage.

Next week, we're into the home stretch and it's into the lion's den for Art as he visits the in-laws.